Real fun story today. It took an anxiety attack this week for me to have a huge breakthrough…
I won’t spend any time talking about the anxiety attack. It was brutal and lasted several hours. It took most of the day for all of that awful energy to be released from my system and for me to feel like myself again.
But something very important happened while the pain was fresh and intense.
I felt my soul crying out to me. I heard its call, and I knew I had to listen.
We all receive intuitive guidance differently. Some people feel. Others have an inner knowing. Some hear a voice. Some smell. Others see images. And these are just the obvious ways. I’m sure there are more ways that I have yet to understand.
For me: I feel and hear. The voice is my own, but I can tell it’s coming from somewhere beyond my body. It’ll come in the form of just a thought. When I feel my intuitive guidance, I get a feeling in the pit of my stomach. It’s like the little extra nudge that I need in order to really listen to what the voice is trying to tell me. It’s the added acknowledgement that what I’m hearing is coming from my highest self.
After about a week of allowing myself to feel my more negative emotions (after some serious resistance of course), I’m starting to believe now that pain isn’t necessarily always trauma-induced. Sometimes it can be our soul’s way of crying out to be seen. To reveal thyself. It’s a cry that we aren’t expressing ourselves as fully as we should be. And now it’s time.
I am recognizing that my soul is calling me to explore it more deeply. Not only to explore, but to release.
I must release those aspects of my highest self that I have been shoving down because I kept telling myself that this wasn’t who I was meant to be in this lifetime. I have been allowing the person I’ve become to define the rest of my future. The belief that…
I’m goofy, not feminine.
I’m introverted, not outgoing.
I’m nervous, not composed.
I’m awkward, not comfortable in my own skin.
I’m a writer, not a performer (anymore). My time on the stage is over. I can only be a writer from here on out.
And this is how it always has to be. My personality has been established and now I must roll with it. Otherwise, it’s going to be so uncomfortable and embarrassing when people acknowledge the change in me. It’s going to make the old me seem bad. And it’s simply easier to live as who I am rather than change and hear that criticism. My career has been solidified and after years of changing things up and not being able to make up my mind, I must commit or else I’ll never be successful.
But who says I can’t be all of it? I’m the one limiting myself from being a complete version of me; a beautiful mix of everything (as pictured in the GIF above).
And those aspects of myself that I hide and save only for myself...I can FEEL my soul is begging me to make it all more public. To dance more. To sing more. To be more extroverted and at ease. To let my actions and energy speak for me, rather than always relying on words.
I’ve been placing a lot of my happiness and vibrancy into externals...hoping that the things I wish for will finally come to fruition so that I can feel complete. This is so common, and even though we know that we shouldn’t be doing it, we still find these very sneaky ways to place all of our happiness into another person or success story.
But that just isn’t how life works. In order to fully embody Beck, I must live in the now. I must find joy in the present even though sometimes I feel like I’m missing something. Even when I want that person to love me. Or for my books to be a massive success. Or to make this amount of money. And live in that kind of house and drive that kind of car and wear these types of clothes…
All of it is pretty irrelevant to my happiness if I can’t be happy without it.
That’s why I started doing weekly voice lessons this year. Would I love to be a rockstar? Yes, it’s been a dream of mine since I was a kid! But even though I don’t have any plans of making a career out of singing, it brings me joy, so why not immerse myself in music anyway? I swear, people have asked me why I’m doing it like I have some kind of motive beyond the enjoyment of the craft. It’s confusing for most people to allow yourself to be happy now. We all believe that we must suffer and wait.
I want to set a new standard for those who know and follow me. Today, I encourage you to consider what brings you happiness and find ways to implement it into your life as often as you can. Don’t let other people’s expectations of you and how life should be lived influence you in the slightest. The only voice you should be listening to is your SOUL’S calling.
It's the only voice that matters.